In the last month or so a number of people have suggested that I write a book that ties together my inspirational essays from the blog. I’ve thought about how bringing in a narrative detailing my life of learning with a few educational thoughts thrown in that would provide a “stage”. But  I hadn’t really started seriously considering it until my husband pushed this article across our virtual table. (We are reading the Times electronically these days-an irony that doesn’t escape me! )  

So now I’ve added “write book” to my to-do list. And in addition to writing subconscious blog-entries, I find myself using a bolder type- and thinking about cover art. But first I will comb through this archive and select the more inspired entries.  As I’ve accumulated over 80 I realize the  magnitude of the task ahead of me.  And so, I look to my readers for feedback on which entries they find most meaningful. Let me know your selections and how to refer to you in my acknowledgements!

So yesterday I finally listed MS SoftServe as a cause on FB. I’ve been meaning to do it for months but as my friend Bonita once said, “I’m my own worst editor!”  Finally I  just did it– in true Nike sentiment, but with fair trade practices! And what an incredible experience it has become. I’m touched by the supportive words and am empowered by reinforcement that this site is truly wanted and needed by many. And when it comes to getting the word out– Facebook is the Faberge Organic Shampoo “and they told two friends, and so on and so on” on steroids! (Did I just make two commercial references in one paragraph? Uhg!)

It’s nice to have this outlet to fundraise for this non-profit , but it is really much more than that. MSSS is a grass roots effort- exhausting my every free minute along with good graces of people who care on the production of the site and all the elements in it. Therefore, amassing a large group of people who care, will expand the available resources as well as some funds to pay them. To me there is nothing more meaningful that people who are impacted by Multiple Sclerosis participating in this site’s production. A true FUBU (for us by us) entity with less shirts!

I also want to take a moment here to say that I’ve connected on FaceBook to a number of individuals who I’ve met on other MS sites, like PLM.  I must say that the facebook experience is truly unique, almost organic. Its as if everyone you know is milling about in this cyberworld, periodically stating what they are up to or what they believe in- and from that many things grow. It ranges from silly to witty banter to life observations and sometimes very meaningful conversation. I’ve connected to peers with MS – from the blogs and chatrooms of support based sites, and learn who they are in addition to their MS. Its been tremendously rewarding.  So- I encourage you to friend me on Facebook. (Amy Gurowitz) And while your there, check out my cause!  I’ll look forward to meeting you!

(P.S.- The “cause” link can be accessed even if you aren’t remotely interested in facebook. Something for everyone!)

In recent years I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned to be an Instructional Designer. (what is that?) I’ve learned that my sister isn’t the only one in my family of origin who can write. I’ve learned that being an open person is easy and enjoyable in the digital age  (see my list of 26 things on Facebook) and I’ve learned that flattery can get you anywhere. Or can it?

I, along with many of my health blogging cohorts, was drawn in by the malignant flattery of WellSphere.com, and subsequently I am left wondering. Just how far have I evolved since highschool?

I sifted the letter from Dr. Geoff Ruttledge out of my spam filter, I’m so lucky I noticed it! It was meant to be~ He addressed me by name and said my writing was great. Me! My writing.. he likes MY writing! Okay wait, was he really talking to me or does he say that to all the girls? I reread the essay he commented on. It was pretty darn good. He likes it! He likes me. This is so cool!! Geoff! He’s so popular and he likes ME!!!

His letter was a few weeks old and I hoped my response would still count. Had he found someone else? Playing it cool, I asked questions so as not to come on too strong. What if he’s doesn’t really like me. I analyzed his word choice, reading his letter over and over. I told my friends, and asked them what they think. Does he really want to feature me on his site? Of course he does, why not? I’m good enough… During the two days that passed while I waited for his response I considered a wealth of possibilities.  Could this be it??? On a first look at the site I noted that it was free of advertising and seemed concise in its delivery. I could see where  Wellsphere as most information based sites, could use some counsel on how to present it for more effective intake. Hmmm… Maybe he will be interested in the MS SoftServe approach,  this could be my foray in to something big! A  direct avenue to bringing effective learning to the Internet! And my mind ran wild with possibilities. A nice house, white picket fence, 2.5 children….

While I waited for his response I considered how I might tell him my feelings. Checking my email every 2 minutes… What if my internet connection went down. He could be trying to email me right now, and I’m going to miss it! I checked with all my blogging BFFs. I know! I’ll email Lisa Emrich, she knows EVERYTHING!   She  responded really fast… she knows how important this stuff is. My fingers were shaking as I clicked to open her email…

…. and my heart sank. Apparently he does say that to all the girls. I was just another notch.  How was I so easily fooled?

Many health bloggers had received the same flattering emails I did, some of whom were  pulled in by the promise of exposure – though others saw through the ruse. As timing would have it- a few hours later, on the very day that I reached out to Lisa, this story broke.

I can’t help but to wonder. If I had been approached sooner or my spam filter wasn’t as thorough would I too have been taken in by this cheap flattery?  It’s a tough question, that makes me recoil a bit.

Hmmm. Maybe the highschool creeps were basic training for these real life scenarios.

Now that’s a spin I can appreciate!

I find a parallel in the way my thoughts float and my inability to be organized in a traditional sense.

I’m hard on myself when it comes to writing…trying to fit myself in to a cookie cutter approach of what this blog should be like. The same is true for my business approach. I tell myself that I need a list. I want to be traditionally organized with my MSSoftServe and my other professional career goals, to be categorized and arranged just so. I tell myself it is the key to being…to feeling less overwhelmed.

If only my goals were compartmentalized – lists that I can then cross off – I could sleep at night if everything I need to do on a stable unwavering list. Yet something prevents me from doing that. My inside voice keeps chanting: Do this… make a list. Keep all of your ideas in this one little book, or this one file. This new way will make everything simple. Yet something blocks me from the brilliant solution I’ve just designed. My process can’t be squeezed into structure. Why can’t I just get back to the flow?

Flow – the passage of time that occurs when the process pulls me along without temporal thoughts. I’m writing and I’m not paying attention to the specifics of the keyboard or what my next sentence will be. No need to edit –that will happen between stops while my brain is deliriously protected from itself.

As I get off the train into the cold night air the papers of my mind become stacked and land in my hand, the one not holding my stick, and I hear the content without reading. Telling me, in a certain voice just what I need to write about. It’s always been there and by letting it float on its own time, I will just have to write it down. The inner talking, the telling, the reading…Embrace it. My way, my flow, my unclogged brain and I impatiently remind myself, Just hit submit already!

After days of a Woody Allen style self-deprecating inner dialogue I’ve found this:

Ideas have been flying through my head like papers in the wind.  They surface in the delirious sleep laden moments punctuated by the announcements leading up to my stop. Glen Ridge… we are now arriving at Glen Ridge (foot-drop, boots with deeper tread.. walking stick stabilizing- if my foot drops) Bay Street, next stop Bay Street  ( unexpected and consistent, foot-drop – this is why some of us can’t walk at all, will it be my ambulatory demise?, NO… stop thinking that!) Walnut Street, we are now arriving at Walnut street...( foot-drop with my stick, walking stick perception, can you see my empowered state? stick: reunion.)  Watchung Avenue (wake up,next stop, 20 year update, stick: weak, pathetic) We are now arriving…  ( I’m not there yet!)

I find myself repeatedly surprised when I examine the process that brings me to any realization. I know hindsight is 20/20, but somehow when I’m going through the backtracking of how I came to the point of success, it includes a period of self-flagellation, though maybe that’s just a required part of that process.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to write regularly. When first learning about blogs and struggling with the idea of how I might create one, Keith impressed upon me that I should write regularly, daily if possible. It is a must if you hope to keep a readership tantalized, interested enough to keep coming back, he explained. If you don’t, then they will ultimately stop checking. So I took it to heart. It became my inner proctor, slapping the ruler for every day that went by without an entry.

I’ve written here about my struggle, finding my blog voice, my rhythm over the year + since I began posting. I know that I want to write well-thought-out meaningful interpretations instead of immediate emotional responses (not that there is anything wrong with those…☺). For me the more prolonged processing during the construct stage of writing- ie. considering for days, sometimes weeks- is more satisfying in the end. It’s more therapeutic, during the writing, the editing and ultimately the reflection in the months that follow. It’s something meatier to chew on, says the vegetarian! ☺  But in spite of this understanding of my style, and the fact, the irregular posting continues to serve as an example of what I’ve failed to accomplish on my Things To Do list.

… more to come

On the start of this new year the word perspective floats in my mind, bumping like a pinball off the multiple scars and resonating on memories nestled in my neurological archives. We are programmed to consider what was and what will be at this time of the year.  So I question; Am I a different person leaving 2008 than I was when I got here? Fundamentally no.

I’ve always been surprised at the ongoing realization that I am intrinsically the same person that I was on the first day of Kindergarten. Although my inputs have changed, I continue to process the information using the same hardware… perhaps with a few upgrades to my operating system and increased memory. I reflect, consider and over-evaluate just as I did when I left home for Mrs. Hamilton’s morning class at Washington Elementary School.  And while MS has kept me from reasonable upgrades in RAM, I work with what I have and reinvent the how-to of life in creative ways.  It is this process helps me to avoid the lethargy of my overextended hard drive.

And so, here I sit with that perspective.

The place that it takes me is one of reflection- that of New Year’s Eves past that mark the decades. Moving from the 80s and 90s into the four-digit years with more than the Y2K fears that most were preoccupied with. What was monumental at that time is silly in retrospect. The more dramatic events of those two decades in my individual experience I’ve shelved as something that shaped my character and helped me to evolve in ways that I wouldn’t have otherwise known.  Traversing these decades with a remarkable speed disguised by an uncertain step.

Its funny how perspective prior to writing this entry had me up at 3:30am wondering how we will afford the life we lead and how will I achieve the goals I’ve set before me.

I enter 2009 looking for an external hard drive, an arm to hang on. One that will not only help me to operate with confidence, but will also stabilize my emotional fortitude to live through the challenges that lay ahead with a tech savvy that I can be proud of. Maybe a little Tetris will distract from the “bugs” waking me in the middle of the 364 nights to come .

Lets see what happens, shall we?

amy g.