Pixel Bound

This has been an unusual couple of weeks. I have felt the need to blog so many times, and have been unable to get here. Some days I find myself crafting the opening phrases and titles of entries that never find their way to the pixel.  I’m starting to recognize them as a neurological archive of drafts. Will I ever get back to them or will they languish in word purgatory? I wonder. It also gets me thinking about my creative process. I’ve been learning a lot about how I create,  edit, and ponder my life experience. It has been quite profound. The power of my own words has surprised me as I use them to console, inspire, and comfort me.  I hadn’t realized when I began this blog in 2007 not only how healing it would be, but also its potential as  a creative vault that when opened has great impact on my today.  It amazes me in different ways continuously.

Yesterday I made a bad decision. Although I was hesitant to admit it, I have been relatively dizzy-free for 3 weeks. It happened gradually, with small set backs caused by certain movements. This past week however, I’ve been able to move in ways that had been previously off limits.  Most notably, I could look up without being left in an unstable place. I have even been increasingly comfortable telling people of these improvements,though it has taken me 15 days to feel truly confident about doing so.

I have to admit too, that I began to slide off the “MS Recovery” style diet a few months ago. While it continues to inform my eating decisions, the rigid requirements of doing without certain things – is no longer in play.  I quickly recognized that this wasn’t having  impact on my dizziness and though I know the change of eating is a long term investment for MS…  and overall health improvement.. however, the thing that kept me on it was the hope that it would impact my dizziness. Somehow when that didn’t pay off after 5 months I gave in to temptation.

This is disappointing to me on some levels. I like how I feel when I’m eating by those rules. I have less temptations and compulsions toward feel good food. (like chocolate!) But along with those compulsions comes food that feels happy… and while I know that in itself isn’t the best way to eat… I missed it.

Okay… back to my egregious error. I was very excited yesterday to actually do a load of laundry… take it out of the dryer.. immediate fold it and hang it up so it doesn’t all sit in a wrinkly mess only to be dried again… and again.  It’s those little things.  Anyway… I was unloading.. and folding and hanging on a rod in the basement over my head. With some repeats of this motion I found that I was feeling nausea. But… I pushed ahead figuring I would be done shortly. Nearing the end, I was able to hang the clothing up without actually looking up to make sure the hanger was properly placed. Ah those little skills we accumulate!  Unfortunately, as I completed the task I realized I went a bit too far.

And that dizziness still lingers 24 hours later. That is just wrong! I was just folding some laundry! If my husband didn’t already do 80% of the tasks our life requires, I would pass this off to him. But the reality is I get pleasure from the tasks that are small and satisfying. Ones that don’t require edits and rebooting, and analysis. Very succinct, a start middle end. Even unloading the dishwasher brings a certain amount of satisfaction in my day… balancing the complicated tasks with the quick and should be easy ones.   The good news is that I am fully capable of sitting at my computer, writing in my blog and submitting grant applications on behalf of MS SoftServe.

Last week I met a faculty member at NYU who has had MS for 35 years. He has his challenges, as we all do.. but he offered some words that help him carry on…  “At least I wasn’t born in Sarijevo”.  I guess that speaks to me as I try to keep everything in perspective.

At least I was born at a time that traverses the digital age.

So much to chew on there.

~ag

6 thoughts on “Pixel Bound

  1. Lisa Emrich says:

    How amazing to be dizzy-free for a period of time. If it happened once, it can happen again. 🙂

  2. fightingms says:

    Hello there ag!
    I was just diagnosed with MS last week although I think I’ve been dealing with the symptoms for at LEAST 3 years. I would love to talk sometime and I have been on the MS Recovery diet for one week now…so we shall see how this goes!

  3. fightingms says:

    Hey there lady!
    I just wrote you a loooong email and my pc rebooted…*cry* I will write you again in a bit…I’m a little bummed that it all got deleted! Ha ha! But thank you for responding and I promise I will work up the energy to rewrite momentarily! ha ha!

  4. Merely Me says:

    this is a wonderful post. despite everything you are going through i feel the gratitude in your writing of the things you can do. i seldom appreciate my chores but i want to slow down and enjoy them now…based on what you say here. you are a great writer and a remarkable person.

  5. Michelle says:

    really resonated. it’s SO hard to keep the focus on what you CAN do when the CAN’Ts are piling up, though. i totally understand…

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