Most people move without thinking much about it. The turn of the head, the lifting of a foot, crossing a room to get the newspaper- each done with the ease and brilliance of all the body’s systems working in concert to achieve a simple goal. So when that which is involuntary becomes impossible – it affects more than the nerves and muscles that are working hard to regain their normal role. It is more than that which can be scanned or examined. And while explorations of the mind will get you closer- it remains untouchable. In fact many of the nuances are unclear to the person who houses the defective control system that is known as MS.
So when the dizziness I’ve been living with since December 2007 began to increase, I didn’t think too much of it. Every day brings about a different experience of how I interpret and move in the world since that winter episode a year and a half ago. While I may wake up dizzy-free, the sensation is usually found not long after by moving in ways that are subtle and hard to predict. It has become the most visible challenge of my 21-year MS ride. One that forced me out of the closet with a walking stick- in to the role of an MS educator of all those who didn’t otherwise know. And while I have found surprising comfort in that new character – I’m constantly reinventing the part, rewriting my lines and finding my place in a play that is different every day. And in this re-staging, I consider motion.
The language of motion changes in me at every moment, in what is spoken out loud in my movements, or silently in the evolution of my awareness. It is a constant monologue. I have limits in how I move in the room that are exaggerated when I step out my front door. But the script of my inner workings know no bounds. So while at most times I can’t remember the lines required to make a simple gesture easily performed by the entire audience, I soar on the inside and thrive in my limitless awareness and understanding.
As I take my fifth steroid IV treatment, for an attack that crossed my 41st birthday/ 21st anniversary with MS, I wonder how fluent I will be, and how much my dialect has changed. With these high doses coursing through my veins, I find synthetic energy that is both wonderful and frightening. I’m no longer searching for the words and expressions to make simple movements across the room. And while the dizziness remains, I search for an interpretation that will allow me to get back to where I was before this episode. Though I know I must also consider more challenging thoughts. I may need to start with a blank script and a different role in this new production.